The Unbearable Impossibleness of Smiling

Gah. Happiness is an elusive old chap, what?

By rights I ought to be happy. For months - no, years - I've been bemoaning my lack of spare time and wishing I could just find time for this and that and the other. Tidying, sorting, organising, relaxing, spending time with loved ones. Now I can do all that and more, but am I happy? Am I bollocks.

Of course there is the small matter of having no job or income in the midst of a global recession and having been told I was rubbish at what I was trying to do with my life... but I'm managing fine financially for the time being, and I'm pretty confident I'll get a job soon, and the job application process has actually done wonders for mny career-based confidence, as I've had three interviews from four applications and two of them went really well and I very-nearly got jobs out of them, and they were for good employers. Which is why the number of applications is so low - I'm being very picky about what I apply for, on the basis that I don't want to end up back in the same hole I've just clawed my way out of.

The Things That Make Me Happy, however, are frustratingly complex. I need exercise, I need human company, I need positive feedback, I need to feel productive, and I need time to relax (but not too much of it).

My worst problem is decision-making. Not only can I not decide what to do from one minute to the next, I can't stick with those decisions once they're made. "Tomorrow I will read a book," I say gaily, only to find mnyself durfing the net. "Tomorrow I will sort out my finances," I quip. And then I read a book. I plan to get exercise and sort my finances out instead. They are all good things to be doing (well, maybe not the surfing the net bit), but I can't allow myself to feel good about doing them.

I either feel depressed because I haven't been productive or anxious because I might be called upon to do temping work in an alien environment or - and this is the most ridiculous of all - guilty because I'm finally managing to enjoy myself and I'm supposed to be jobless and miserable!

Pah.

Oh well. Today I will mostly be... faffing. fretting. fidgeting. failing?

No! No failing!

Oh. All right then.

Sponsorship, innit

Gah, I am hopeless at this. I don't like asking people for sponsorship.

I'm running a 10k Race for Life event in Heaton Park (Manchester) in July, and haven't actually asked anyone to sponsor me yet. If I'm honest I'm doign it because the events themselves are really enjoyable / moving and I needed a way to make sure I kept doing exercise (without spending money on it) while unemployed.

[geeky numbers bit]
I've been running several times round the local park, once or twice a week. So far I'm up to 8 times round, which I calculate is about 4 miles, or 6.4km. I reckon if I go 13 times round, that will be 6.5 miles, which is just over 10k. So I have 5 weeks to up the ante by one lap each week. This week I have to go round 9 times. That's this afternoon's project.

The exercise is just about keeping me sane. And it would make me feel slightly less of a numpty if I do actually raise some money for charity as well as keeping myself sane. So, um. There you go. It's a good cause! Cancer charities, innit.

Email me if you want to sponsor me, and I'll give you the guff. Or just go to Race for Life and search on my real name.