I'm traumatised. Tesco appear to have stopped stocking my favourite drink. Which presumably means not enough people are buying it. So I'm starting a campaign, because it's obvious people just haven't tried the stuff. Any discerning chocolate lover, having drunk Coco Direct, will find that hot chocolate is never the same again. Once you've experienced the incredibly-ever-so chocolateyness of Coco Direct, every other brand of hot chocolate - and I mean every single other brand - will be a terrible disappointment.
People keep yapping on about how wonderful Green and Black's drinking chocolate is. They shut up when I give them a cup of Coco Direct. The two are as different as a massive shiny clever thing and a tiny dull useless thing. Green & Blacks make great chocolate bars, but their drink tastes of nothing - NOTHING, I TELL YOU - compared to Coco Direct.
I don't work for them. To be honest I'm not a great fan of sales or marketing and all that guff, because the job of those peeps is normally to use every trick they can possibly think of to make you buy their product and spend pointless pennies, whether or not it's any good. But I'm not trying to make anybody money here. It's just really great stuff and the world needs to know, dammit.
Coco Direct happens to be a Fair Trade Be Nice To People kind of product, and that's very nice and pleasing and all that, but to be horribly honest my only motivation in going on about how great it is, is that it's FUCKING BRILLIANT and I get very annoyed when it's not available. It may possibly be slightly addictive, but so what. IT'S THE BEST ADDICTION EVER. My motives are entirely selfish: I could claim to be making the world a better place or giving you a beautiful gift, and indirectly I'm doing exactly that, but really I just WANT MY DRINK.
So I need everyone to buy it, cos that way it's more likely to remain something I can easily add to my larder without a big angst-fest about whether they'll go out of business and the product will disappear and I won't have my Best Quick Chocolate Fix any more.
Y'see, most chocolatey drinks (and yes, that includes Green and Blacks, and Twinings Luxury Chocolate Drink, and every other product I've ever tried, including the really expensive ones), have a shockingly low cocoa content. Coco Direct, on the other hand... When I've been up all night with the baby and I have Jobs To Do and Things To Think, do I drink coffee? Do I fuck. I drink Coco Direct. It gives the best buzz ever, it wakes you up, it tastes SUPER-YUMMY, it hits all your chocolate buttons AND it's warm and cosy and slurpy... it's liquid chocolate. It's amazing. And nothing else - NOTHING ELSE - touches it. Not even slightly.
This does confuse me, I admit. Why does nobody else recognise the value of liquid chocolate with a high cocoa content? Why are the others so bloody insipid? Why doesn't somebody make something similar and package it really expensively and charge a bloody fortune for it? I'd buy it. It's one of those weird mysteries.
But anyway I don't have to pay through the nose for a fancy box and a brilliant chocolate fix, cos I can buy Coco Direct and get everything I want AND be vaguely-sort-of helpful to cocoa-growing types on the other side of the world. Or I could, if Tesco started stocking it again.
Well all right, I have found someone else who stocks it - and in bulk, at that - so all is not lost. But I'm worried. There's a credit crunch on. People are going bust. What if Coco Direct ceases to exist? I shall be bereft! Tesco need to start stocking it again!
So here's the plan: Buy some. Club together and buy it in bulk, have chocolate-drinking parties. Drink it. Be amazed. Then try any other chocolatey-drinky thing you like and marvel at how utterly inferior it is. Be converted. Spread the word. Ring Tesco up and shout at them for not stocking the Best Drink In The Whole World Ever.
And then I will be happy.
4 days ago