Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Where I am

I'm in a strange place right now. Readers may have guessed that I used to blog elsewhere. I stopped doing it because...

I'm not even sure why because.

I was depressed. I didn't like myself, therefore I didn't like my blog. I didn't like the pressure of readers wanting to be fed. I didn't like the Internet Arsewipe (it's a technical term) who quoted huge swathes of my blog out of context, making me look like the horriblest person in the whole world ever and convincing me that I was indeed the horriblest person in the whole world ever. So arsewipey was this arsewipe that the things he said/quoted wouldn't have had the same effect on anyone else. They would have just thought he was being mildly mean. But by reading my blog he had winkled out precisely my most weakest tenderest self-loathing vulnerable spots and exploited them to the max - carefully picking out the parts of myself I hate the most and then writing them on the internet in foot-high letters: SEE WHAT A WANKER SHE IS! Ahem. So anyway. That put me off my blog. And myself. At a time when I already didn't like myself much.

There was other stuff too. I was thinking of starting a new career (still am), which wouldn't be forgiving of non-anonymous blogging. In a weird sudden turnaround, I got twitchy about baring my all to the world. In the past, when other non-anonymous bloggers worried about being exposed... um, hang on, tangent. I don't want to keep typing "non-anonymous". I'll just say NA from now on. Although I may as well have typed it another twenty times or so rather than tap out this stupidly-long aside. But anyway. I used to tell people not to worry. That the world is mostly nicer than you think. That honesty is a good thing, particularly if you're a writer, and that anyway it all acts as a form of therapy. And then all of a sudden, with no warning and based purely on the actions of one Internet Arsewipe (I won't be abbreviating that one though - it's satisfying to type) and a new career, I changed my mind. I don't want to be exposed any more.

It's a life-douche thing, too. I have a tendency to extremes. Whether philosophical positions or life-problem solutions, I like to go WHOOSH! and replace everything old with something new. So I got rid of my blog. Except that I didn't, cos what I actually do is get a load of new stuff, but never chuck out the old. I keep it in a cupboard somewhere. The old blog still exists. I'm not sure why, but you know, just in case (just in case what? I don't know).

But I'm doing it again now, aren't I?

I thought that was it. No more blogging, blogging was the past. In the future I would be unfettered and free, and all my angsting and communicating and therapy would be done in the real world with real people. If I felt the need to write down the crap in my head, I'd write a book instead. Or a diary, or a short story, or a letter.

And then I started this blog. Doh.

I also thought I'd be all enigmatic and never tell that I once had another blog elsewhere. I'd let people guess it for themselves.

I've always been crap at mysterious.

Well anyway. It's not definite cos I still have to do interviews and stuff, but I'm hoping to start a new career in a few months, and by all accounts it's going to turn my life upside down and I won't have time for blogging, so this blog may be a very temporary thing. Or then again... maybe I'll need an outlet for expressing and coping with all the upside-downiness and this will be it. Maybe when you find yourself and your life suspended in a wrong-way-up position (from what? will I end up landing on my head?), you need to reach out and hold onto something to stop yourself swinging about. Maybe this will be it. Maybe not.

Right now, this place gets less than five visitors per day. Some days there's none at all. It feels manageable. The first few posts - which got deleted after an attack of the sensibles - may never have been read by anyone. Which is kinda cool. What I should do is make this a private blog, not invite anyone at all, and just sit here talking to myself. But that would involve me at least pretending that blogging isn't about having an audience (it so is).

Maybe I won't blog for a year or so cos I won't have time, and then I'll finally lose the bug and think what a weird little blip in my life that was. Supposedly, people with no time to blog do twittering instead. But I don't believe that saves you time. I bet the opposite is true. And anyway I'm too old for Doing The Latest Thing. On which note, I might have to start another post. Seeya in a mo.

4 comments:

Debi said...

Aha! So that's who popped up in my stats recently. Nothing to say except that I hope you know you have my 100% support whatever direction life takes you in. xxxx

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

Thank you Debi, you are lovely. And I think you must have been over here commenting on my blog at the exact time I was over there commenting on yours!

pierre l said...

Good luck with the new career Squirrel.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

Thank you Pierre, it's really nice to see you here.