Thursday, 11 June 2009

So Fucking Hard

It's just so fucking hard. I got less than four hours sleep last night. Because I stayed up late reading this guy's book (and it's a great book, and you should all read it, and some time when I'm not sleep-deprived and at the beck and call of a screaming baby I'll write a proper review), and then my baby kept waking up, kept waking me up, wouldn't settle. And then when we finally got up at 6.30am this morning, less than four hours after I went to bed, he wouldn't stop crying.

He keeps getting ill, and God it's just the worst thing. Not just because I love him to bits and it breaks my heart to see him in distress. Not just because I have a cold and a headache and every time he screams it pierces my brain. But also because of planning, and feeling like I have even the tiniest modicum of control over my life. In the last three weeks I've had to cancel two trips away, one visit to a friend, several trips to my yoga class and the swimming pool, and several days which were supposed to be spent deisgning nuts. Any of the things I might do to keep me sane - getting out of the house, getting exercise, seeing other people, being creative - might be snatched away from me at a moment's notice, and suddenly here I am again, screaming baby in my arms, unable to even go to the toilet or get myself something to eat without making him scream even more or have to have a baby - crying or otherwise - on one arm.

Somebody once told me that depression and anxiety are all about lack of control. That's how torturers work. Flashing lights on and off, refusing to allow prisoners access to basic facilities or choice over what happens next or sleep... it fucks people up.

It seems like everyone else manages to cope with these things. There's something wrong with me, I'm not wired right to be a mother. But then apparently that's a classic symptom of post-natal depression. The belief that everyone else is coping better than you. Nobody finds this stuff easy.

Ah well. He's asleep in his cot for now, but it won't last, and in the meantime I have a Really Important Interview for my new career next week and the preparation time available is dwindling fast, so I better go do some swotting. Just thought I'd have a moan here first.

Pah.

5 comments:

Some Chilean Woman said...

Sounds like you really need some "me" time. I'd like the same.

Hope you feel better soon!

Debi said...

No - it's not that everyone else copes better. And the ones who say it's a doddle are lying!

Flowerpot said...

I don't know that anyone copes in those situations. It's just that once it's over, we don't tend to remember the really bad times with such unnerving clarity. HOpe you get some sleep soon - I know all too well what that awful dragging depression is like. Take care.

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

Oh God, "me" time would be so lovely, SCW. But having said that, the baby is well again today and at nursery and I'm getting some work done on my own here in the house, so in a way me time is exactly what I'm getting right now, and it feels lovely. But since you posted this I've been contemplating a night away somewhere, just me on my own, and think I've thought of a way it could happen. The good thing about the plan I have in my head is that it's a movable feast - it could happen any time at the drop of a hat (as long as my partner, the baby's dad, is willing - but he's good like that so probably will be), so I don't have to worry about arranging it for a specific date and then having all my plans ruined yet again by one of those Unpredictable Parenting Events.

Debi and Flowerpot, God, I'm so pleased you said other people don't cope either. Of course I know it must be true really, but it's horribly easy to believe otherwise.

JJ Beattie said...

I didn't cope. I didn't tell anyone I wasn't coping. I drew on a big smile with make up and appeared to be coping but inside I was falling apart. I don't know why we do that...

It does get better. Big hugs to you.