I know, I haven't been here a while. What can I say?
My life is pretty shit right now. It's as shit as it's been for quite a while, and to be honest it's a while since it's been good. I think. I don't know. I function on a different level these days. Everything is so day-to-day difficult that I am getting better at finding small moments of pleasure in the midst of it all. Appreciating music and trees and cuddles with small people that sprang from my loins and shit like that.
I saw a woodpecker today. A real one. It was a bit boring to look at if I'm brutally honest, didn't seem to have any colours or anything, and a bit smallish and nondescriptish, but it was silhouetted against the sky so what do I know. I really know very little about woodpeckers. I didn't know you got them in inner-city Manchester. I suppose I couldn't even swear it was one, but it was pecking loudly and fastly at some wood with a long pecky beak, so I think it probably was.
Last week was worse than this week. Last week I was in a semi-permanent state of anxiety and nearly gave up altogether several times. No, not suicide. Just abandoning this stupid career I've somehow found myself in. But it's not that easy. I have three dependants, and no other obvious sources of income.
People are telling me that I'm no good at it, that I'm never going to be any good at it, that I'm a waste of space and a drain on resources. But other people say that's not true. I think it might be. But I hate giving up, and anyway I don't know what else to do. But if I don't improve soon they're going to sack me anyway.
It's a hard enough career, without having to do it without the support of your employers.
Oh well. Woodpeckers, eh?
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