Small Things

Today I am feeling ever-so proud of myself because I have been through my finances with a fine-tooth comb and reduced every expense I could think of. This has meant an awful lot of faffing with broadband providers, gas and electric suppliers, mobile phone contracts etc. I have shopped around on ALL my monthly outgoings and saved myself a shocking amount of money. A veritable mountain of faffery - which is why I haven't got round to it before - but it feels good.

More generally, the heebie-jeebies are pecking me on my shoulder. Today I have kept them at bay with the above-mentioned faffery. I know all too well that if I don't get cracking first thing on my to-do list, I will just get more and more despondent - and less likely to get anything done - as the day wears on. I learnt this many years ago, but I still struggle to act on it. Still, today I did. So go-go me.

There are two big items on the list, though, which I have today avoided by focusing on the previously-referred-to faffishness. I can refrain from hitting myself with the big stick I use when I'm not being pecked by heebie-jeebies, because the faffing was Useful and Necessary, and is one in the eye for the heebie-jeebies, who are currently feeding in about equal parts on Financial Panic and Professional Insecurity.

But the other two big items will have to be tackled if I'm going to take away the Oh Shit I'm Rubbish At My Job fodder that those heebies so love to quaff. They are:
(1) Apply for jobs
and
(2) Prepare to be Good at any jobs which get chucked in my direction.

Sadly they are both the kind of tasks that, although they will help to alleviate professional insecurity, require me to have a certain amount of security if I'm going to tackle them in the first place.

For months I have whinged that what I really needed was some spare time, so that I could sit down and rationalise all the useful information and resources which I've acquired and ought to help me be better at my job, if only I could remember what I had and lay my hand on the relevant bits at a moment's notice. Now that I have that time, I'm too scared to use it effectively.

It's the same fear that prevents me from writing fiction when I lay time aside for that. What if I can't do it? The fear of failure stops me from doing it in the first place. What if my job applications are rubbish? What if my brain is too woolly and useless to be able to find the right resources, make sense of them or be able to put them in any kind of sensible order?

If only I did these jobs, I would feel better. I know that. So therefore I should do them. And I will! I'll just check out that car insurance comparison site...